Was A Lot of Fun
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Insightful Astrology this Friday
The InsightfulAstrology Newsletter
Grow Into Your Soul
Dear Beloved Readers,
Friday's Full Moon in Libra is the kind of lunation that will force your relationships into balance like no other. If a balance can't be reached, then there's only one decision left to make - it's time to end it.
"It's the Soul Afraid of Dying, That Never Learns to Live"
marua
It sounds like a rude awakening and in some ways it is. The Moon in Libra squares off with Pluto in Capricorn. This is a brutal square. It's all about manipulation and control. What authority figure in your life has attempted emotional blackmail recently? Or, even worse, ask yourself if you've been the one trying to maintain the edge by toying with another person's feelings. It's the darker side of our soul and we've got to confront it. Ouch. I know - it hurts.
The Moon in a challenging aspect to Pluto brings to light the archetypal image of the devouring mother. This is the all powerful female presence that kills you with smothering love and makes you dependent. When you try to release yourself from this hold, you have one fight on your hands. She can eat your soul alive.
The deeper meaning behind this symbolism, of course, is that YOU are the devouring mother.
What area in your life is being smothered by your own fear? Where are you trying so desperately to control your world so that you keep that grand illusion of power?
This Full Moon will demand a release. But that's not all folks, there's more. The Moon is square Mars in tender Cancer. The planet of war is in the sign of family and challenges the Moon - the cradle of our safety zone. This reminds us that we will need to fight for what makes us feel safe. The Aries Sun tells us that the only way to safety is to create something new in our lives. It's time to make the first move just as soon as we've sorted out the relationship issue.
Have I completely lost you?
This is such a dynamic Full Moon so let me backtrack. It creates a rare cosmic pattern called a Grand Cross. The universe has put you inside a box. This cross is in Cardinal signs. That means, the only way out of the box is to create something new. ACTION. The focus is relationships, partnerships and how to balance your sense of self with another person's needs. It can be any type of relationship.
The degree of this lunation is of particular significance. 0-2 degrees of a Cardinal sign (Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn) is known as the Aries Point. This is a critical degree that shows a high peak of externalization. The events that occur in your life during this lunation will be visible to all and thrust you somehow into public view.
Now this doesn't mean you all have your ticket to fame. What it does suggest is that the accountability factor for whatever choices you make under this lunation are particularly high. You will become "known" for them.
Now that's juicy!
So what does all of this mean, really? In your world as well as my own it's going to suggest a time when you need to let go of an outworn relationship that has become an emotional drain. At the same time, you are being called to rise up to the challenge of planting a new seed of development in your personal identity structure. Maybe there is no actual relationship to end other than the one with the part of yourself that has been holding you back.
Stop devouring your essence and tend to the garden of new potential coming your way this spring!
Wow, that was deep. Sometimes I get those moments.
And now, here's my personal connection to this week's Full Moon. Where have I been devouring my own soul? I got a message loud and clear about that last night from my Nonna (Italian for Grandmother).
She came across, pointing her finger at me and saying in her deep Italian accent,
"No Maria, No! You must shine your light - it's your birthright. You don't need to fear any harm. You are humble, you are full of gratitude, and you have a big heart. You are here to give others a strong sense of self. When you shine your light, you help others see their own.
"
She also had to throw in a kicker about relationships.
"You don't need anyone else to validate you - you don't need a partner more powerful than you to accomplish anything. You can do it all on your own. You're supposed to. Once you do this, the true partner will come. You have to let go of all the people in your life who make you feel closed in.
"
Wow! Forget about the devouring mother. I have a devouring Nonna! Sometimes the truth hurts. But then she called me baby doll and said I am "The Rose" in the Bette Midler song. That was it. I started to bawl. That song has always had a very special meaning for me.
Oh, I forgot to mention something kind of important about my Nonna. She died last year.
A couple of nights ago, one of my dear astrologer colleagues and friend, Marguerite Manning, the author of the bestselling book Cosmic Karma, called me at home unexpectedly at about 10 pm.
She said:
"Maria, I don't usually do this but I'm being compelled to tell you to call into the radio show I'm doing tomorrow night with this phenomenal psychic medium, Renata Adair. I can't tell you why, I just feel there's something you need to hear.
"
Now, at this stage in my life ALL of my friends are pretty eccentric. I have absolutely nothing in common with the typical school yard mom. I never did, really. So my cosmic friend calling me up with such urgency gave me a good chuckle. Life really does feel like a soap opera sometimes.
But I promised her I'd call. Besides, it was a chance to listen to my friend do her thing on the radio. She's a phenomenal astrologer. And although I had never met or had a conversation with Renata Adair, Marguerite's faith in this woman is enough for me. So I called. Of course, the phone lines were jammed.
But Nonna made sure I got through.
Renata instantly took on an Italian accent and spouted off a shorter version of the dialogue I expanded on above. But the essence of it is the same. Renata gave me such an incredible gift and I am so thankful.
Her talent and compassion comes through clearly in her work. If you're looking for a fabulous psychic/medium reading, I hope you visit her site to learn more about her work. Oh, and be sure to check out her radio show. If you listen to the latest archive of the show she did with Marguerite on joy and happiness, you'll hear my reading - it's the second one.
Thank you Marguerite and Renata for reminding me what needs to be released during this Full Moon so that I can embrace the start of something new and powerful along my own personal path. And of course, I have to thank my Nonna.
She is one tough broad. Even on the otherside. Hey, those genes are something else - so am I.
Cosmic Love and Blessings,
Maria DeSimone (formerly Vaiano)
InsightfulAstrology
Grow Into Your Soul
Dear Beloved Readers,
Friday's Full Moon in Libra is the kind of lunation that will force your relationships into balance like no other. If a balance can't be reached, then there's only one decision left to make - it's time to end it.
"It's the Soul Afraid of Dying, That Never Learns to Live"
marua
It sounds like a rude awakening and in some ways it is. The Moon in Libra squares off with Pluto in Capricorn. This is a brutal square. It's all about manipulation and control. What authority figure in your life has attempted emotional blackmail recently? Or, even worse, ask yourself if you've been the one trying to maintain the edge by toying with another person's feelings. It's the darker side of our soul and we've got to confront it. Ouch. I know - it hurts.
The Moon in a challenging aspect to Pluto brings to light the archetypal image of the devouring mother. This is the all powerful female presence that kills you with smothering love and makes you dependent. When you try to release yourself from this hold, you have one fight on your hands. She can eat your soul alive.
The deeper meaning behind this symbolism, of course, is that YOU are the devouring mother.
What area in your life is being smothered by your own fear? Where are you trying so desperately to control your world so that you keep that grand illusion of power?
This Full Moon will demand a release. But that's not all folks, there's more. The Moon is square Mars in tender Cancer. The planet of war is in the sign of family and challenges the Moon - the cradle of our safety zone. This reminds us that we will need to fight for what makes us feel safe. The Aries Sun tells us that the only way to safety is to create something new in our lives. It's time to make the first move just as soon as we've sorted out the relationship issue.
Have I completely lost you?
This is such a dynamic Full Moon so let me backtrack. It creates a rare cosmic pattern called a Grand Cross. The universe has put you inside a box. This cross is in Cardinal signs. That means, the only way out of the box is to create something new. ACTION. The focus is relationships, partnerships and how to balance your sense of self with another person's needs. It can be any type of relationship.
The degree of this lunation is of particular significance. 0-2 degrees of a Cardinal sign (Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn) is known as the Aries Point. This is a critical degree that shows a high peak of externalization. The events that occur in your life during this lunation will be visible to all and thrust you somehow into public view.
Now this doesn't mean you all have your ticket to fame. What it does suggest is that the accountability factor for whatever choices you make under this lunation are particularly high. You will become "known" for them.
Now that's juicy!
So what does all of this mean, really? In your world as well as my own it's going to suggest a time when you need to let go of an outworn relationship that has become an emotional drain. At the same time, you are being called to rise up to the challenge of planting a new seed of development in your personal identity structure. Maybe there is no actual relationship to end other than the one with the part of yourself that has been holding you back.
Stop devouring your essence and tend to the garden of new potential coming your way this spring!
Wow, that was deep. Sometimes I get those moments.
And now, here's my personal connection to this week's Full Moon. Where have I been devouring my own soul? I got a message loud and clear about that last night from my Nonna (Italian for Grandmother).
She came across, pointing her finger at me and saying in her deep Italian accent,
"No Maria, No! You must shine your light - it's your birthright. You don't need to fear any harm. You are humble, you are full of gratitude, and you have a big heart. You are here to give others a strong sense of self. When you shine your light, you help others see their own.
"
She also had to throw in a kicker about relationships.
"You don't need anyone else to validate you - you don't need a partner more powerful than you to accomplish anything. You can do it all on your own. You're supposed to. Once you do this, the true partner will come. You have to let go of all the people in your life who make you feel closed in.
"
Wow! Forget about the devouring mother. I have a devouring Nonna! Sometimes the truth hurts. But then she called me baby doll and said I am "The Rose" in the Bette Midler song. That was it. I started to bawl. That song has always had a very special meaning for me.
Oh, I forgot to mention something kind of important about my Nonna. She died last year.
A couple of nights ago, one of my dear astrologer colleagues and friend, Marguerite Manning, the author of the bestselling book Cosmic Karma, called me at home unexpectedly at about 10 pm.
She said:
"Maria, I don't usually do this but I'm being compelled to tell you to call into the radio show I'm doing tomorrow night with this phenomenal psychic medium, Renata Adair. I can't tell you why, I just feel there's something you need to hear.
"
Now, at this stage in my life ALL of my friends are pretty eccentric. I have absolutely nothing in common with the typical school yard mom. I never did, really. So my cosmic friend calling me up with such urgency gave me a good chuckle. Life really does feel like a soap opera sometimes.
But I promised her I'd call. Besides, it was a chance to listen to my friend do her thing on the radio. She's a phenomenal astrologer. And although I had never met or had a conversation with Renata Adair, Marguerite's faith in this woman is enough for me. So I called. Of course, the phone lines were jammed.
But Nonna made sure I got through.
Renata instantly took on an Italian accent and spouted off a shorter version of the dialogue I expanded on above. But the essence of it is the same. Renata gave me such an incredible gift and I am so thankful.
Her talent and compassion comes through clearly in her work. If you're looking for a fabulous psychic/medium reading, I hope you visit her site to learn more about her work. Oh, and be sure to check out her radio show. If you listen to the latest archive of the show she did with Marguerite on joy and happiness, you'll hear my reading - it's the second one.
Thank you Marguerite and Renata for reminding me what needs to be released during this Full Moon so that I can embrace the start of something new and powerful along my own personal path. And of course, I have to thank my Nonna.
She is one tough broad. Even on the otherside. Hey, those genes are something else - so am I.
Cosmic Love and Blessings,
Maria DeSimone (formerly Vaiano)
InsightfulAstrology
Friday, March 21, 2008
Happy Easter One and All
Hello :)
I wanted to wish you a very merry easter and also to let you know about my friend Patrick.
This easter monday he is going to be standing in front of the Chinese Consulate on
Granville Street from 1:00-3:00 P.M in support of the people of Tibet and the Dalai Lama.
This is a peaceful event and all are welcome who would like to show their support.
“I am doing this for The Dalai Lama as a beacon of Peace and Truth and
in support of the people of Tibet. How many leaders does this world
have who can speak towards personal and world Peace, and actually do
it without an Economic agenda? We need to keep building energy and
understanding for what is true and honest. Not just for the people of
Tibet but for the benefit every being. All are welcome to join me. In
Peace, Patrick”
in support of the people of Tibet. How many leaders does this world
have who can speak towards personal and world Peace, and actually do
it without an Economic agenda? We need to keep building energy and
understanding for what is true and honest. Not just for the people of
Tibet but for the benefit every being. All are welcome to join me. In
Peace, Patrick”
If you would like more information about the actions and events to participate in this weekend, you can find the news release and contact information in my notes here:
http://summerraineforrest.blogspot.com/
Peaceful Rally for a Good Cause
March 22, 2008, Vancouver: TIBETAN PROTESTS BUILD
Pacific Northwest Community Rally and March in Support of the Tibetan Uprising inside Tibet
On Saturday March 22 in Vancouver, Tibetans from across British Columbia, Washington State, and Oregon will gather to make their voices heard. At least 300 Tibetans and supporters are expected to attend.
The program will be as follows: Saturday March 22, 2008
- 12pm to 1:30pm - Rally at Robson Square
- 1:30pm to 2:30pm - March (including political theater) from Robson
- Square to the Chinese Consulate at 3380 Granville Street
- 2:30pm to 4:30pm - Demonstration at the Chinese Consulate.
- 4:30pm to 7:30pm - Candle-light prayer vigil at the Consulate
Tibetans and their Supporters Worldwide Demand:
1) China must halt its crackdown, withdraw military and security forces, release detainees and allow peaceful protest. China must halt house-to-house searches and authorities must refrain from any further arrests of Tibetan protesters. We call on our Governments to support these demands.
2) Governments must support the Dalai Lama's call for a UN team of investigators to go to Tibet as soon as possible.
3) China must immediately allow foreign journalists back into all Tibetan areas (TAR and Tibetan areas of Gansu, Qinghai and Sichuan)
4) The IOC must withdraw all Tibetan areas from the planned Olympic torch relay route (TAR and Tibetan areas of Gansu, Qinghai and Sichuan). This includes the planned torch ascent of Mount Everest.
5) All political leaders and other prominent persons who have accepted an invitation to attend the Olympic Games should withdraw their acceptance.
Background: GLOBAL VIGILS SUPPORT TIBETAN UPRISING AS INCREASED
CRACKDOWN LOOMS IN LHASA
The Chinese government has threatened an increased crackdown after midnight Monday March 17 (China standard time) and according to Chinese state-run media, “Those who cover up or shelter the lawbreakers [will] be punished in accordance with the law.” Reports of protests in cities across Tibet, including the Tibetan provinces of Amdo and Kham now annexed into China's Qinghai, Sichuan, and Gansu provinces, counter the Chinese government claims that the unrest is the result of a handful of “troublemakers” and demonstrate the widespread Tibetan opposition to China’s occupation.
The Dalai Lama has expressed anxiety about the Chinese government's threats of an impending crackdown and repeated his urgent appeal today for an international investigation into China’s actions against Tibetan protestors. The Chinese government continues to maintain a media blackout and journalists have been denied access to all Tibetan areas, making it virtually impossible to verify the reports of atrocities emerging from Tibet.
Contact: Mati Bernabei 778-999-4578 mbernabe@sfu.ca
For the most up to date information on the developments in Tibet:
Canada Tibet Committee: www.tibet.ca
Students For a Free Tibet: www.studentsforafreetibet.org
Phayul (Tibetan on-line news)www.phayul.com
Tibetan Centre fro Human Rights and Democracy: www.tchrd.org
Tibetan Government in Exile: www.tibet.net
art works www.cavelle.net
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Last Rose In Eden:
I wrote this song today, as a way of letting go. Of all the songs I've written this is my favourite. But then it is the last one I've written, so I may just be getting better at this. It's dedicated to M- always and in all ways ~ SRF
The Last Rose In Eden:
When you left i was stressed but had a plan
but the radio sings love lost
now i finally understand
You smile and turn away it breaks my heart
the love in your eyes is faded
now when I’m just about to start
To live again and how I wish for time
When you saw me and called my name
This time I would give it all away
In the garden
I felt the winter long before the fall
Now In your eyes is emptiness
or you don’t even call at all
my heart breaks over and over like waves
on walls around your heart of stone
to have your love for one more day
give me a chance
Chorus:
this is my heart in the dead of night / still longing for your sunlight, / I miss you like the dying cry / of the last rose in eden /praying for another day / so we can dance again into dawn
Not long ago a billion flowers bloomed
I remember a moonlight night
I hoped for love, a single bloom
You showed me a world without storms
love so rare in a maze of thorns
you gave a garden of delight
Now i hold petals of a single rose
The thorns are real, the bloom is gone
so fragile in my shaking hands
and so it goes
I’m so sorry if my words brought you low
Afraid to fly I didn’t know
How to take your hand and let go
I wanted to rise with you and soar
Instead I waited on my fears
but you’re gone, I’ll fly no more
the garden dies
CHORUS
turning, you rise into the air and fly
a perfect sky fades out to gray
now that you are gone and far away
When you came into me i couldn’t breathe
A child being born can’t see
like coming home, like being free
Sorry for letting time elude my grasp
and for letting ghosts from the past
stalk our days and nights in paradise
love forgive me
CHORUS
The Last Rose In Eden:
When you left i was stressed but had a plan
but the radio sings love lost
now i finally understand
You smile and turn away it breaks my heart
the love in your eyes is faded
now when I’m just about to start
To live again and how I wish for time
When you saw me and called my name
This time I would give it all away
In the garden
I felt the winter long before the fall
Now In your eyes is emptiness
or you don’t even call at all
my heart breaks over and over like waves
on walls around your heart of stone
to have your love for one more day
give me a chance
Chorus:
this is my heart in the dead of night / still longing for your sunlight, / I miss you like the dying cry / of the last rose in eden /praying for another day / so we can dance again into dawn
Not long ago a billion flowers bloomed
I remember a moonlight night
I hoped for love, a single bloom
You showed me a world without storms
love so rare in a maze of thorns
you gave a garden of delight
Now i hold petals of a single rose
The thorns are real, the bloom is gone
so fragile in my shaking hands
and so it goes
I’m so sorry if my words brought you low
Afraid to fly I didn’t know
How to take your hand and let go
I wanted to rise with you and soar
Instead I waited on my fears
but you’re gone, I’ll fly no more
the garden dies
CHORUS
turning, you rise into the air and fly
a perfect sky fades out to gray
now that you are gone and far away
When you came into me i couldn’t breathe
A child being born can’t see
like coming home, like being free
Sorry for letting time elude my grasp
and for letting ghosts from the past
stalk our days and nights in paradise
love forgive me
CHORUS
Song of Morningbird- Song of Spring
Song 1: written for Marvelous while he was away in Hawaii
Febuary 2007
Febuary 2007
song of a morningbird
song of spring
song of spring
caught in a dream of restless turning
Morningbird sang to me at midnight
complex melody from my window
Ancient song of dawn.
Your magic tune a fresh beginning
held me captive in your mystery
owned a world of possibility
hope for my awakening.
you said i was free
Came the madness hour i feared your tone
Alone in the dark i hid my head
So many demons around my bed
So you flew away.
Said you- raising your wings to the sky
“I was chained here, tied to your bedside"
But NOT so! You’ve flown and I’m still here
Your song enchanted me.
you said you were free
chorus:
Little bird You could never be chained/ You are always free to come and go/ because you follow the path of dawn/ You belong to spring.
My mischievous friend it was i
who was chained by your strange morning song
Paralyzed by the unknown rhythm
your call to the wild.
I lie in bed each day wondering
if you were making time in my bed
a midnight rhythm for a warm perch
or an honest song.
you said we were free
Fly away sing no more of morning
little bird I want no could be songs
i want no songs of what might be
you're you and i'm me.
I want to see the sunrise with you
wash away the blues of winter now
please sing sweet words of love coming home
And come home to me.
and we can be free.
Little bird You could never be chained
You are always free to come and go
because you can see the light of dawn
You belong to spring.
Little bird You could never be chained
You are always free to come and go
because you sing the song of dawn
Your song sets me free .
being spring and please come and sing with me
Morningbird sang to me at midnight
complex melody from my window
Ancient song of dawn.
Your magic tune a fresh beginning
held me captive in your mystery
owned a world of possibility
hope for my awakening.
you said i was free
Came the madness hour i feared your tone
Alone in the dark i hid my head
So many demons around my bed
So you flew away.
Said you- raising your wings to the sky
“I was chained here, tied to your bedside"
But NOT so! You’ve flown and I’m still here
Your song enchanted me.
you said you were free
chorus:
Little bird You could never be chained/ You are always free to come and go/ because you follow the path of dawn/ You belong to spring.
My mischievous friend it was i
who was chained by your strange morning song
Paralyzed by the unknown rhythm
your call to the wild.
I lie in bed each day wondering
if you were making time in my bed
a midnight rhythm for a warm perch
or an honest song.
you said we were free
Fly away sing no more of morning
little bird I want no could be songs
i want no songs of what might be
you're you and i'm me.
I want to see the sunrise with you
wash away the blues of winter now
please sing sweet words of love coming home
And come home to me.
and we can be free.
Little bird You could never be chained
You are always free to come and go
because you can see the light of dawn
You belong to spring.
Little bird You could never be chained
You are always free to come and go
because you sing the song of dawn
Your song sets me free .
being spring and please come and sing with me
An Update
Love Letters to the Universe
=======================================
Dear God,
I feel that if I love this person,
I could lose everything that I have.
I have no idea where this love might take me,
And in his presence,
I don't even care.
Is it strength, or weakness,
To have faith in this feeling?
Illuminate my mind and heart,
dear God,
For my ship is lost at sea.
Amen.
From Enchanted Love, The mystical Power of Intimate Relationships, Marianne Williamson
=======================================
Well dear ones,
As I feared, I got off track. Somewhere in the past days, I’ve lost my routine and also my perspective.
It’s not uncommon for me to disappear at times- especially when Marvelous is around. A dear friend and intuitive reader once told me before I met him, that when I did meet him, I would lose track of the world and that we would be very self involved. That has been true.
But also, in resuming mentoring with him, and helping him with ARI, and trying to sort out what was going to happen between us, I’ve found myself generally with too many things to do again.
How are we?
Well, our status is complicated. Marvelous requested this from me and while I would prefer a relationship that is “only as complicated as we choose it to be” that is what it is. There was a lot of shining promise in the air when he came home, but he made it quite clear to me that he would stick by his word and that we are finished. No chances, no possibility of a change or any hope of there ever being anything romantic between us again.
And yet he still comes to see me. He still holds me sometimes at night, or in the morning. He is still there, very much a part of my world, and so I still have hope.
I am still fairly ill. I see the neurologist next week. I am looking forward to an update. I am trying to push myself a little all the time to get well and heal.
I’ve stepped away from my job at the psychic studio and am trying to figure out what to do next. A complete total clean slate is what it looks like.
I’m looking for a new place to live. So if anyone has a snazzy pad in the west end let me know. :D Well, as long as its without the snazzy price tag.
It is hard to believe I have been sick for so long. Or that I am so pale, and have lost so much weight. Or that I have lost my dearest. Or that my shaman apprenticeship has been put on hold. Or that I’m not Granville Island’s Psychic anymore.
I am trying to learn and embrace this as an opportunity for change. I got here because I mucked up. I got caught up in a lot of stress and stopped following my intuition and listening to my heart.
So now, I am sans job, sans love, looking for a new place to live and a whole new life. Well, perhaps more accurately, a new series of experiences.
I’ve been practicing my electric guitar and have started writing song lyrics again. And writing.
And I have decided that I think it’s time for me to be single and take time for myself to heal. I really just have no interest in anyone else at the moment, and don’t imagine I will for some time. Grieving takes its toll in many ways.
The most ironic thing of all is that while I’ve been ill. Marvelous has become the bass player in a band. He is going to be a rockstar, and for those of you who know me well... my dream and my passion has been for some time to play music and heal the world through song with my soulmate. I have been waiting for an opportunity to sing and make music with him for so long.
It feels like he is taking some of my dreams with him as well as my heart. I am so happy for him, but sad too.
It is difficult for me to imagine not having him in my life when I have spent so much time with him and so much of my life for the past 9 months has been involved with helping him and working with him and loving him. And working towards our goals and creating a vision of a better future and a better world.
He truly is such a remarkable man- and I love him with all of my heart. And soul. Being with him was like coming home for me. He is such a gentle soul at heart and has such an incredible vision of the future. Such a beautiful person in so many ways.
Ok- yes... there’s the other stuff. Those of you who want to go ahead and lay your comments at the end of this blog... but for me- I would rather focus on the positive and what is good about this man I love- because focusing on the negative is what got me here in the first place.
I miss our business meetings and all of the planning- where he’d decide to do a big project with a little deadline and the excitement and possibilities that dance around him. I miss working with him, and dancing with him and knowing if i called him he would be there and pick up the phone.
I even miss fighting about commitment with him. I miss him covering me with honey, i miss the little things- like food fights, and seeing 333 everywhere... and just his general stability- that sense of presence he has about him. I miss karaoke and the parties, and waking up to feel his arms around me. And sometimes he is just a total goof ball, or just plain weird- but I’m going to miss his gentleness and caring and love.
But most of all I miss the look in his eyes when he smiled at me. Its just not there.
Because now he’s turned off that part of him. Its just not there- and for me this is the most painful experience of all- to be with him and to see the reserve and the wall around his heart.
Oh, the friendship is there and the chemistry is there, and I feel no less than I ever have. But he is finished with me. And even though there was a lot of drama at the end of it all..... it doesn’t change my heart. And my heart is breaking for it.
I have just been split open and all of my pain revealed to me- and my negativity- and with this opportunity to start my life again, until I saw the reserve in his eyes, I had absolute faith in moving forward with him. I expected a set back and to take things slowly and even to not see him for a while... but I never expected never again.
I prayed that he would understand how much I am changing. And endeavor to try and put my health and healing first. And be open to a very different experience between us- something much more positive and elevated. I asked only for time to heal.
It is still hard to believe that he is gone. I keep expecting him to change his mind and come back. But it just becomes more apparent with each day that that is not going to happen. And I am struggling to let go.
And so I cry a lot. And am working very hard not to get caught in a cycle of what ifs. To find gratitude in my life- and indeed there is much for me to be grateful for.
I am grateful for the break- the opportunity to heal, to regather myself and become more in alignment with myself. I am grateful to my many friends and loved ones. I am grateful that I am supported financially and can take the time to heal and relearn who I am and grow.
At heart, I know I am an ageless soul in an ocean of love, and that nothing can truly harm me. I want what’s best for him and myself and in love I want to let him go and be free to live his life. I don’t want to hurt him. But still I cry. I feel as if I have lost a piece of myself. And I won’t lie about that.
I have been writing music....
And so, while I may come back and regale you all with tales of what happened, for now I will simply give you my songs. I will post them as the next two blog entries. It is all I can offer- because to speak about it any more just hurts too much.
Perhaps my words can tell the story better than I can.... and perhaps in sharing them I can find a little healing and hope for love in the future- and in the Now. And maybe if you’ve ever been in the same space and can understand my words, you’ll find some love and some release for you too.
I am rather partial to The Last Rose in Eden personally. But maybe that just says more about my current emotional state than anything else.
Which brings me to the final thing that I would like to say. I am looking for a composer. someone who can write music. if you are interesting in teaming up with me, I would really like to put some of my lyrics to music and start singing my songs. Just drop me a line at
raine.shine@yahoo.ca
=======================================
Dear God,
I feel that if I love this person,
I could lose everything that I have.
I have no idea where this love might take me,
And in his presence,
I don't even care.
Is it strength, or weakness,
To have faith in this feeling?
Illuminate my mind and heart,
dear God,
For my ship is lost at sea.
Amen.
From Enchanted Love, The mystical Power of Intimate Relationships, Marianne Williamson
=======================================
Well dear ones,
As I feared, I got off track. Somewhere in the past days, I’ve lost my routine and also my perspective.
It’s not uncommon for me to disappear at times- especially when Marvelous is around. A dear friend and intuitive reader once told me before I met him, that when I did meet him, I would lose track of the world and that we would be very self involved. That has been true.
But also, in resuming mentoring with him, and helping him with ARI, and trying to sort out what was going to happen between us, I’ve found myself generally with too many things to do again.
How are we?
Well, our status is complicated. Marvelous requested this from me and while I would prefer a relationship that is “only as complicated as we choose it to be” that is what it is. There was a lot of shining promise in the air when he came home, but he made it quite clear to me that he would stick by his word and that we are finished. No chances, no possibility of a change or any hope of there ever being anything romantic between us again.
And yet he still comes to see me. He still holds me sometimes at night, or in the morning. He is still there, very much a part of my world, and so I still have hope.
I am still fairly ill. I see the neurologist next week. I am looking forward to an update. I am trying to push myself a little all the time to get well and heal.
I’ve stepped away from my job at the psychic studio and am trying to figure out what to do next. A complete total clean slate is what it looks like.
I’m looking for a new place to live. So if anyone has a snazzy pad in the west end let me know. :D Well, as long as its without the snazzy price tag.
It is hard to believe I have been sick for so long. Or that I am so pale, and have lost so much weight. Or that I have lost my dearest. Or that my shaman apprenticeship has been put on hold. Or that I’m not Granville Island’s Psychic anymore.
I am trying to learn and embrace this as an opportunity for change. I got here because I mucked up. I got caught up in a lot of stress and stopped following my intuition and listening to my heart.
So now, I am sans job, sans love, looking for a new place to live and a whole new life. Well, perhaps more accurately, a new series of experiences.
I’ve been practicing my electric guitar and have started writing song lyrics again. And writing.
And I have decided that I think it’s time for me to be single and take time for myself to heal. I really just have no interest in anyone else at the moment, and don’t imagine I will for some time. Grieving takes its toll in many ways.
The most ironic thing of all is that while I’ve been ill. Marvelous has become the bass player in a band. He is going to be a rockstar, and for those of you who know me well... my dream and my passion has been for some time to play music and heal the world through song with my soulmate. I have been waiting for an opportunity to sing and make music with him for so long.
It feels like he is taking some of my dreams with him as well as my heart. I am so happy for him, but sad too.
It is difficult for me to imagine not having him in my life when I have spent so much time with him and so much of my life for the past 9 months has been involved with helping him and working with him and loving him. And working towards our goals and creating a vision of a better future and a better world.
He truly is such a remarkable man- and I love him with all of my heart. And soul. Being with him was like coming home for me. He is such a gentle soul at heart and has such an incredible vision of the future. Such a beautiful person in so many ways.
Ok- yes... there’s the other stuff. Those of you who want to go ahead and lay your comments at the end of this blog... but for me- I would rather focus on the positive and what is good about this man I love- because focusing on the negative is what got me here in the first place.
I miss our business meetings and all of the planning- where he’d decide to do a big project with a little deadline and the excitement and possibilities that dance around him. I miss working with him, and dancing with him and knowing if i called him he would be there and pick up the phone.
I even miss fighting about commitment with him. I miss him covering me with honey, i miss the little things- like food fights, and seeing 333 everywhere... and just his general stability- that sense of presence he has about him. I miss karaoke and the parties, and waking up to feel his arms around me. And sometimes he is just a total goof ball, or just plain weird- but I’m going to miss his gentleness and caring and love.
But most of all I miss the look in his eyes when he smiled at me. Its just not there.
Because now he’s turned off that part of him. Its just not there- and for me this is the most painful experience of all- to be with him and to see the reserve and the wall around his heart.
Oh, the friendship is there and the chemistry is there, and I feel no less than I ever have. But he is finished with me. And even though there was a lot of drama at the end of it all..... it doesn’t change my heart. And my heart is breaking for it.
I have just been split open and all of my pain revealed to me- and my negativity- and with this opportunity to start my life again, until I saw the reserve in his eyes, I had absolute faith in moving forward with him. I expected a set back and to take things slowly and even to not see him for a while... but I never expected never again.
I prayed that he would understand how much I am changing. And endeavor to try and put my health and healing first. And be open to a very different experience between us- something much more positive and elevated. I asked only for time to heal.
It is still hard to believe that he is gone. I keep expecting him to change his mind and come back. But it just becomes more apparent with each day that that is not going to happen. And I am struggling to let go.
And so I cry a lot. And am working very hard not to get caught in a cycle of what ifs. To find gratitude in my life- and indeed there is much for me to be grateful for.
I am grateful for the break- the opportunity to heal, to regather myself and become more in alignment with myself. I am grateful to my many friends and loved ones. I am grateful that I am supported financially and can take the time to heal and relearn who I am and grow.
At heart, I know I am an ageless soul in an ocean of love, and that nothing can truly harm me. I want what’s best for him and myself and in love I want to let him go and be free to live his life. I don’t want to hurt him. But still I cry. I feel as if I have lost a piece of myself. And I won’t lie about that.
I have been writing music....
And so, while I may come back and regale you all with tales of what happened, for now I will simply give you my songs. I will post them as the next two blog entries. It is all I can offer- because to speak about it any more just hurts too much.
Perhaps my words can tell the story better than I can.... and perhaps in sharing them I can find a little healing and hope for love in the future- and in the Now. And maybe if you’ve ever been in the same space and can understand my words, you’ll find some love and some release for you too.
I am rather partial to The Last Rose in Eden personally. But maybe that just says more about my current emotional state than anything else.
Which brings me to the final thing that I would like to say. I am looking for a composer. someone who can write music. if you are interesting in teaming up with me, I would really like to put some of my lyrics to music and start singing my songs. Just drop me a line at
raine.shine@yahoo.ca
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