An Update

Love Letters to the Universe
=======================================

Dear God,
I feel that if I love this person,
I could lose everything that I have.
I have no idea where this love might take me,
And in his presence,
I don't even care.
Is it strength, or weakness,
To have faith in this feeling?
Illuminate my mind and heart,
dear God,
For my ship is lost at sea.
Amen.

From Enchanted Love, The mystical Power of Intimate Relationships, Marianne Williamson
=======================================

Well dear ones,

As I feared, I got off track. Somewhere in the past days, I’ve lost my routine and also my perspective.

It’s not uncommon for me to disappear at times- especially when Marvelous is around. A dear friend and intuitive reader once told me before I met him, that when I did meet him, I would lose track of the world and that we would be very self involved. That has been true.

But also, in resuming mentoring with him, and helping him with ARI, and trying to sort out what was going to happen between us, I’ve found myself generally with too many things to do again.

How are we?

Well, our status is complicated. Marvelous requested this from me and while I would prefer a relationship that is “only as complicated as we choose it to be” that is what it is. There was a lot of shining promise in the air when he came home, but he made it quite clear to me that he would stick by his word and that we are finished. No chances, no possibility of a change or any hope of there ever being anything romantic between us again.

And yet he still comes to see me. He still holds me sometimes at night, or in the morning. He is still there, very much a part of my world, and so I still have hope.

I am still fairly ill. I see the neurologist next week. I am looking forward to an update. I am trying to push myself a little all the time to get well and heal.

I’ve stepped away from my job at the psychic studio and am trying to figure out what to do next. A complete total clean slate is what it looks like.

I’m looking for a new place to live. So if anyone has a snazzy pad in the west end let me know. :D Well, as long as its without the snazzy price tag.

It is hard to believe I have been sick for so long. Or that I am so pale, and have lost so much weight. Or that I have lost my dearest. Or that my shaman apprenticeship has been put on hold. Or that I’m not Granville Island’s Psychic anymore.

I am trying to learn and embrace this as an opportunity for change. I got here because I mucked up. I got caught up in a lot of stress and stopped following my intuition and listening to my heart.

So now, I am sans job, sans love, looking for a new place to live and a whole new life. Well, perhaps more accurately, a new series of experiences.

I’ve been practicing my electric guitar and have started writing song lyrics again. And writing.

And I have decided that I think it’s time for me to be single and take time for myself to heal. I really just have no interest in anyone else at the moment, and don’t imagine I will for some time. Grieving takes its toll in many ways.

The most ironic thing of all is that while I’ve been ill. Marvelous has become the bass player in a band. He is going to be a rockstar, and for those of you who know me well... my dream and my passion has been for some time to play music and heal the world through song with my soulmate. I have been waiting for an opportunity to sing and make music with him for so long.

It feels like he is taking some of my dreams with him as well as my heart. I am so happy for him, but sad too.

It is difficult for me to imagine not having him in my life when I have spent so much time with him and so much of my life for the past 9 months has been involved with helping him and working with him and loving him. And working towards our goals and creating a vision of a better future and a better world.

He truly is such a remarkable man- and I love him with all of my heart. And soul. Being with him was like coming home for me. He is such a gentle soul at heart and has such an incredible vision of the future. Such a beautiful person in so many ways.

Ok- yes... there’s the other stuff. Those of you who want to go ahead and lay your comments at the end of this blog... but for me- I would rather focus on the positive and what is good about this man I love- because focusing on the negative is what got me here in the first place.

I miss our business meetings and all of the planning- where he’d decide to do a big project with a little deadline and the excitement and possibilities that dance around him. I miss working with him, and dancing with him and knowing if i called him he would be there and pick up the phone.

I even miss fighting about commitment with him. I miss him covering me with honey, i miss the little things- like food fights, and seeing 333 everywhere... and just his general stability- that sense of presence he has about him. I miss karaoke and the parties, and waking up to feel his arms around me. And sometimes he is just a total goof ball, or just plain weird- but I’m going to miss his gentleness and caring and love.

But most of all I miss the look in his eyes when he smiled at me. Its just not there.

Because now he’s turned off that part of him. Its just not there- and for me this is the most painful experience of all- to be with him and to see the reserve and the wall around his heart.

Oh, the friendship is there and the chemistry is there, and I feel no less than I ever have. But he is finished with me. And even though there was a lot of drama at the end of it all..... it doesn’t change my heart. And my heart is breaking for it.

I have just been split open and all of my pain revealed to me- and my negativity- and with this opportunity to start my life again, until I saw the reserve in his eyes, I had absolute faith in moving forward with him. I expected a set back and to take things slowly and even to not see him for a while... but I never expected never again.

I prayed that he would understand how much I am changing. And endeavor to try and put my health and healing first. And be open to a very different experience between us- something much more positive and elevated. I asked only for time to heal.

It is still hard to believe that he is gone. I keep expecting him to change his mind and come back. But it just becomes more apparent with each day that that is not going to happen. And I am struggling to let go.

And so I cry a lot. And am working very hard not to get caught in a cycle of what ifs. To find gratitude in my life- and indeed there is much for me to be grateful for.

I am grateful for the break- the opportunity to heal, to regather myself and become more in alignment with myself. I am grateful to my many friends and loved ones. I am grateful that I am supported financially and can take the time to heal and relearn who I am and grow.

At heart, I know I am an ageless soul in an ocean of love, and that nothing can truly harm me. I want what’s best for him and myself and in love I want to let him go and be free to live his life. I don’t want to hurt him. But still I cry. I feel as if I have lost a piece of myself. And I won’t lie about that.

I have been writing music....
And so, while I may come back and regale you all with tales of what happened, for now I will simply give you my songs. I will post them as the next two blog entries. It is all I can offer- because to speak about it any more just hurts too much.

Perhaps my words can tell the story better than I can.... and perhaps in sharing them I can find a little healing and hope for love in the future- and in the Now. And maybe if you’ve ever been in the same space and can understand my words, you’ll find some love and some release for you too.

I am rather partial to The Last Rose in Eden personally. But maybe that just says more about my current emotional state than anything else.

Which brings me to the final thing that I would like to say. I am looking for a composer. someone who can write music. if you are interesting in teaming up with me, I would really like to put some of my lyrics to music and start singing my songs. Just drop me a line at
raine.shine@yahoo.ca