Last Rose In Eden:

I wrote this song today, as a way of letting go. Of all the songs I've written this is my favourite. But then it is the last one I've written, so I may just be getting better at this. It's dedicated to M- always and in all ways ~ SRF

The Last Rose In Eden:

When you left i was stressed but had a plan
but the radio sings love lost
now i finally understand
You smile and turn away it breaks my heart
the love in your eyes is faded
now when I’m just about to start
To live again and how I wish for time
When you saw me and called my name
This time I would give it all away
In the garden

I felt the winter long before the fall
Now In your eyes is emptiness
or you don’t even call at all
my heart breaks over and over like waves
on walls around your heart of stone
to have your love for one more day
give me a chance

Chorus:
this is my heart in the dead of night / still longing for your sunlight, / I miss you like the dying cry / of the last rose in eden /praying for another day / so we can dance again into dawn

Not long ago a billion flowers bloomed
I remember a moonlight night
I hoped for love, a single bloom
You showed me a world without storms
love so rare in a maze of thorns
you gave a garden of delight
Now i hold petals of a single rose
The thorns are real, the bloom is gone
so fragile in my shaking hands
and so it goes

I’m so sorry if my words brought you low
Afraid to fly I didn’t know
How to take your hand and let go
I wanted to rise with you and soar
Instead I waited on my fears
but you’re gone, I’ll fly no more
the garden dies

CHORUS

turning, you rise into the air and fly
a perfect sky fades out to gray
now that you are gone and far away
When you came into me i couldn’t breathe
A child being born can’t see
like coming home, like being free
Sorry for letting time elude my grasp
and for letting ghosts from the past
stalk our days and nights in paradise
love forgive me

CHORUS

Song of Morningbird- Song of Spring

Song 1: written for Marvelous while he was away in Hawaii
Febuary 2007

song of a morningbird
song of spring

caught in a dream of restless turning
Morningbird sang to me at midnight
complex melody from my window
Ancient song of dawn.
Your magic tune a fresh beginning
held me captive in your mystery
owned a world of possibility
hope for my awakening.

you said i was free

Came the madness hour i feared your tone
Alone in the dark i hid my head
So many demons around my bed
So you flew away.
Said you- raising your wings to the sky
“I was chained here, tied to your bedside"
But NOT so! You’ve flown and I’m still here
Your song enchanted me.

you said you were free

chorus:
Little bird You could never be chained/ You are always free to come and go/ because you follow the path of dawn/ You belong to spring.

My mischievous friend it was i
who was chained by your strange morning song
Paralyzed by the unknown rhythm
your call to the wild.
I lie in bed each day wondering
if you were making time in my bed
a midnight rhythm for a warm perch
or an honest song.

you said we were free

Fly away sing no more of morning
little bird I want no could be songs
i want no songs of what might be
you're you and i'm me.
I want to see the sunrise with you
wash away the blues of winter now
please sing sweet words of love coming home
And come home to me.

and we can be free.

Little bird You could never be chained
You are always free to come and go
because you can see the light of dawn
You belong to spring.

Little bird You could never be chained
You are always free to come and go
because you sing the song of dawn
Your song sets me free .

being spring and please come and sing with me

An Update

Love Letters to the Universe
=======================================

Dear God,
I feel that if I love this person,
I could lose everything that I have.
I have no idea where this love might take me,
And in his presence,
I don't even care.
Is it strength, or weakness,
To have faith in this feeling?
Illuminate my mind and heart,
dear God,
For my ship is lost at sea.
Amen.

From Enchanted Love, The mystical Power of Intimate Relationships, Marianne Williamson
=======================================

Well dear ones,

As I feared, I got off track. Somewhere in the past days, I’ve lost my routine and also my perspective.

It’s not uncommon for me to disappear at times- especially when Marvelous is around. A dear friend and intuitive reader once told me before I met him, that when I did meet him, I would lose track of the world and that we would be very self involved. That has been true.

But also, in resuming mentoring with him, and helping him with ARI, and trying to sort out what was going to happen between us, I’ve found myself generally with too many things to do again.

How are we?

Well, our status is complicated. Marvelous requested this from me and while I would prefer a relationship that is “only as complicated as we choose it to be” that is what it is. There was a lot of shining promise in the air when he came home, but he made it quite clear to me that he would stick by his word and that we are finished. No chances, no possibility of a change or any hope of there ever being anything romantic between us again.

And yet he still comes to see me. He still holds me sometimes at night, or in the morning. He is still there, very much a part of my world, and so I still have hope.

I am still fairly ill. I see the neurologist next week. I am looking forward to an update. I am trying to push myself a little all the time to get well and heal.

I’ve stepped away from my job at the psychic studio and am trying to figure out what to do next. A complete total clean slate is what it looks like.

I’m looking for a new place to live. So if anyone has a snazzy pad in the west end let me know. :D Well, as long as its without the snazzy price tag.

It is hard to believe I have been sick for so long. Or that I am so pale, and have lost so much weight. Or that I have lost my dearest. Or that my shaman apprenticeship has been put on hold. Or that I’m not Granville Island’s Psychic anymore.

I am trying to learn and embrace this as an opportunity for change. I got here because I mucked up. I got caught up in a lot of stress and stopped following my intuition and listening to my heart.

So now, I am sans job, sans love, looking for a new place to live and a whole new life. Well, perhaps more accurately, a new series of experiences.

I’ve been practicing my electric guitar and have started writing song lyrics again. And writing.

And I have decided that I think it’s time for me to be single and take time for myself to heal. I really just have no interest in anyone else at the moment, and don’t imagine I will for some time. Grieving takes its toll in many ways.

The most ironic thing of all is that while I’ve been ill. Marvelous has become the bass player in a band. He is going to be a rockstar, and for those of you who know me well... my dream and my passion has been for some time to play music and heal the world through song with my soulmate. I have been waiting for an opportunity to sing and make music with him for so long.

It feels like he is taking some of my dreams with him as well as my heart. I am so happy for him, but sad too.

It is difficult for me to imagine not having him in my life when I have spent so much time with him and so much of my life for the past 9 months has been involved with helping him and working with him and loving him. And working towards our goals and creating a vision of a better future and a better world.

He truly is such a remarkable man- and I love him with all of my heart. And soul. Being with him was like coming home for me. He is such a gentle soul at heart and has such an incredible vision of the future. Such a beautiful person in so many ways.

Ok- yes... there’s the other stuff. Those of you who want to go ahead and lay your comments at the end of this blog... but for me- I would rather focus on the positive and what is good about this man I love- because focusing on the negative is what got me here in the first place.

I miss our business meetings and all of the planning- where he’d decide to do a big project with a little deadline and the excitement and possibilities that dance around him. I miss working with him, and dancing with him and knowing if i called him he would be there and pick up the phone.

I even miss fighting about commitment with him. I miss him covering me with honey, i miss the little things- like food fights, and seeing 333 everywhere... and just his general stability- that sense of presence he has about him. I miss karaoke and the parties, and waking up to feel his arms around me. And sometimes he is just a total goof ball, or just plain weird- but I’m going to miss his gentleness and caring and love.

But most of all I miss the look in his eyes when he smiled at me. Its just not there.

Because now he’s turned off that part of him. Its just not there- and for me this is the most painful experience of all- to be with him and to see the reserve and the wall around his heart.

Oh, the friendship is there and the chemistry is there, and I feel no less than I ever have. But he is finished with me. And even though there was a lot of drama at the end of it all..... it doesn’t change my heart. And my heart is breaking for it.

I have just been split open and all of my pain revealed to me- and my negativity- and with this opportunity to start my life again, until I saw the reserve in his eyes, I had absolute faith in moving forward with him. I expected a set back and to take things slowly and even to not see him for a while... but I never expected never again.

I prayed that he would understand how much I am changing. And endeavor to try and put my health and healing first. And be open to a very different experience between us- something much more positive and elevated. I asked only for time to heal.

It is still hard to believe that he is gone. I keep expecting him to change his mind and come back. But it just becomes more apparent with each day that that is not going to happen. And I am struggling to let go.

And so I cry a lot. And am working very hard not to get caught in a cycle of what ifs. To find gratitude in my life- and indeed there is much for me to be grateful for.

I am grateful for the break- the opportunity to heal, to regather myself and become more in alignment with myself. I am grateful to my many friends and loved ones. I am grateful that I am supported financially and can take the time to heal and relearn who I am and grow.

At heart, I know I am an ageless soul in an ocean of love, and that nothing can truly harm me. I want what’s best for him and myself and in love I want to let him go and be free to live his life. I don’t want to hurt him. But still I cry. I feel as if I have lost a piece of myself. And I won’t lie about that.

I have been writing music....
And so, while I may come back and regale you all with tales of what happened, for now I will simply give you my songs. I will post them as the next two blog entries. It is all I can offer- because to speak about it any more just hurts too much.

Perhaps my words can tell the story better than I can.... and perhaps in sharing them I can find a little healing and hope for love in the future- and in the Now. And maybe if you’ve ever been in the same space and can understand my words, you’ll find some love and some release for you too.

I am rather partial to The Last Rose in Eden personally. But maybe that just says more about my current emotional state than anything else.

Which brings me to the final thing that I would like to say. I am looking for a composer. someone who can write music. if you are interesting in teaming up with me, I would really like to put some of my lyrics to music and start singing my songs. Just drop me a line at
raine.shine@yahoo.ca

Valentines Day: part one

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Tragedy is an imitation not only of a complete action but of events inspiring fear and pity. such an effect is best produced when the events come on us by surprise and the effect is heightened when at the same time they follow as cause and effect. For even coincidences are most striking when they have an air of design.
~Aristotle
--------------------------------------------
And an old priest said, "Speak to us of Religion."
And he said: Have I spoken this day of aught else? Is not religion all deeds and all reflection, And that which is neither deed nor reflection, but a wonder and a surprise ever springing in the soul, even while the hands hew the stone or tend the loom?
Who can separate his faith from his actions, or his belief from his occupations? Who can spread his hours before him, saying, "This for God and this for myself; This for my soul, and this other for my body?"
~The Prophet: On Religion, Kahlil Gibran
------------------------------------------------

Happy Valentines Day!!! Much love everyone......

I’ve worked so hard to rebuild and gain some sense of myself and who I am in these past 9 days. I have been so ill. And my mantra for living is simply-

To nurture and honor my heart and what my heart wants.
To regain control of my life and body.
To heal, and in that process of healing, to protect myself against anything which might hurt or take away my energy and time.

I am in a continual process of creation at the moment, in healing. Today is my day for “self-love.” Right now I want to do loving things for myself and be kind to others. To teach love and to be an integral person. Anxiety and stress make my head hurt and make me queasy, so I am doing my best to cultivate an attitude of peace.

I wish my actions to truly reflect my soul and the calling of my heart. Always and in all ways.

My greatest fear in Marvellous returning, has been losing my sense of who I am again. I tend to get swept away in how I feel and admittedly I have a very needy inner child. And drama, stress and big things sap my energy quite a bit. I have feared not seeing Marvellous and also looked forward to it with a great deal of passion.

------------------------------------------------
“Describe the emptiness inside:”
“Well, it’s like you’ve been hurt traumatized and so your defense when people have hurt you or taken something by coercion or force, is to make that space even more empty- so that there is nothing to take.
So people get caught in the mirror of that emptiness and you fill their head with ideas or ask a lot of questions and they never know you- they just see themselves in whatever way they want.”
“So if they don’t see you, then they’re never able to see what there is to take in the first place?”
“Exactly. Simple rogerian technique- just be a reflection.”
~From Reflections with Ansur, A. Rose
------------------------------------------------------------

So here we are. Ground Zero. The day of arrival.

I am graciously relieved to report that Marvellous made it home. He came to see me this morning- more accurately he woke me up. It really threw me. I was expecting him later in the day- but there he was, with chocolates. Strange. He seemed cold and reserved.

But it is rather romantic. climbing to the tower- waking up the princess with chocolates.

I felt fluttery, disconnected. I wasn’t sure what to do- I’ve been reprogramming my life to help rebuild my psyche and emotions as well as my mind and body. And my new programming has a series of things that I do everyday.

Normally I have tea, and eat a little something, and listen to something inspriational or educational, and then I write. I meditate and review my plan for the day and I focus on what my goals are and how I am going to create them. I dedicate my day to spirit and cultivate an attitude of peace and gratitude to carry through my day.

But here was Marvellous- smelling like a tropical breeze and looking as yummy as a macadamia nut. But cold. Tired, a bit groggy, I just didn’t know what to do. Stick with the plan.... stay on track with my life..... or lavish a lot of attention on him and cuddle him and love him.

We spoke and it felt awkward and disjointed. He lounged on my couch and started reading and I bustled around making tea an so forth.

While I was debating what to do, feeling discombobulated and a little out of place, I set up my soundtrack for the day- Aristotle and Kahlil Gibran.

But I didn’t press play. I was about to and he rose to leave.

So I hugged him goodbye, and returned to my playlist. Suddenly there I am, listening to Aristotle’s discourse of tragedy. And Kahlil’s thoughts on death and religion. And when I first realized the audiotrack was about tragedy I immediatly laughed and wanted to turn it off... I think the universe has a really funny sense of humor- of all of the tracks to choose for this Morning- for Valentines day..... why a section on how to write a tragedy? Or death for that matter.

I am far more interested in farce these days. but I did listen.

We shall see if I can’t turn that tragedy into comedy yet. I might have started my Valentines day with a sad note, but I am not yet shaken. Tired, yes, Marvellous woke me a tad early (by a couple of hours)

As for death.... well, I have died before. And been hit by lightning. It is not such a bad thing to die. Your life flashes before your eyes, you enter a dark place and begin moving toward white light. And then if you are not ready or have more to do, you are sent back.


Stay Tuned...... theres a lot to say, so I may take a little while to post this

Recovery and angels holding me

I MIGHT HAVE “SLIGHTLY” OVERDONE IT THE LAST FEW DAYS.
In my boredom and my desire to be “doing something” because I have so much to do- I pushed myself too hard.

I didn’t realize this naturally until my head swelled up again. I could feel it lurking- the “illness” but I thought- no, just a little more, just this one more.....

And I was feeling pain and uncomfortable, but I kept on. Ah, how quickly we forget our lessons. THe whole reson I got hre was because I pushed myself too hard in the first place.

Now I am having to take it extra slow today. But that’s ok. I keep forgetting to pace myself. But I have a healing session today, and am looking forward to rest for the next few days. Just lots of rest.

I Am Learning.

And I am grateful to my body for being so militant on my behalf. Also I will admit, to friends who have been checking in and keeping me from doing too much. Thank you all.

In the past few weeks I have realized and been so grateful to my angels both in the spiritual planes and the physical ones, because they really do carry a lot for me. I think I am not an easy child to care for sometimes. Stubborn, wanting to have my way, always wanting to climb the tallest mountains.

Always peeking into those places that are labelled “hands off”. From the moment I was born though, I have been curious- they said I had my eyes open wide even as I was born. Ah, but that is another story for another day.

It’s pretty amazing to me how much people seem to think I”ve changed. I was up and about yesterday for a brief stint (thank you drugs!!) and everyone kept commenting on how thin I look and how my face is completley different.

I guess we all approach our dark night of the soul differently, and come through it differently on the other side.

So, here I am, resting and readying myself for the hopefully, drama free return of Marvellous... out like a lion, in like a lamb? And trying to remain at peace.

Feeling as I do these days, held in the arms of angels, and so cared for... I know that all will be well regardless of what happens.

May Blessings and best wishes
cushion you like a giant pillow
and bring you the security of peace
comfort
and open arms.
May your angels sing you to sleep
and carry you home.

Namaste
Singing Om
Summer

Going in for repair

“How many of you are there personally?” he asked Cornelius.
“Me, personally? One I suppose.”
“Correct, one. And how many parents did you have?”
“Two.” Said Cornelius. “ Everybody has two, a mother and a father.”
“Correct again. And how many grandparents?”
“Four.” said Cornelius.
“And great-grandparents?”
“Eight.”
“And great-great-grandparents?”
“Sixteen.”
“And great-great-great-grandparents?”
”Thirty-two.”
“And so it goes on. Each generation you go back you double it. By the time you go back a mere twenty three generations, you have a figure in excess of four million people. Every one of which was necessary if you were ever to be born at all.”
Diologue with Hugo Rune, From Raiders of the Lost Car Park, Robert Rankin.

-----------------

Weekend Update:

Hello Darling!

Sometimes, I wish you could just gather up your other, take them back to the factory of the universe and say “hey- where’ my manual!” or “this one’s not working. Fix him... he’s broken.”

Imagine a 1-800-number direct to the factory floor.
If you can’t get a clear answer the first time, you can ask for the supervisor....
“maybe you’ve done something to void the warranty?”
“no way.... not a chance.”
“I don’t understand, we’ve never seen this unit behave this way before.”
“Nawh, this is a repetitive pattern. Definitely a pattern.”
“Can you return him as soon as possible, this sounds like a bug- probably a previous owner inputted some negative programming.”
“Can it be fixed?”
“Of course... but now that you mention it... maybe you should bring yourself in and get your settings checked as well, there may be a feedback loop.”

I say that in love, mostly. But really, don’t you think they should have manuals? And none of this “self-help Oprah book of the month club” stuff- I mean a real technical manual straight from the makers saying “Here’s the scoop.” (ok- she has some amazing books too)

I mean I’m known for being a drama queen, but this is the first time I’ve ever dated anyone who could actually match my style. Everything just seems to be amped up with the two of us. Lightning and water- explosive.

------------------------------

My friend Numen came to see me and brought me some coconuts. We had a good talk about a lot of things. He’s convinced Marvelous is really a dark soul who projects a lot of light- but as I see it- all that nothingness is just a screen for the infinate rays of his heart underneath.

And Numen, although incredibly accurate in his own ability to see others, does have the occasional blind spot. At least it seems so where Marvelous and I are concerned.

I had a useful visit w. the neurologist. She prescribed me a lot of drugs and i am starting to feel better. Funny how drugs can do that.

The electrolyte balance in my brain is wiped and I need to recharge it. I’ve been overstressed by personal and work life both. Type A personality drivers kicking in too much. Too many readings can do this apparently, and not getting regular sleep.

I am giving myself a lot of Reiki. Naturally this is helping. Love always does.

The trip home home to StarMansion on the bus from UBC wiped me out so much I slept for 8 hours- but when i woke up there was this magical facebook message from Marvellous asking how i was, and saying that he had been talking to some psychics about me and what i might take or do that could help-

he sounded quite concerned.
awwwww.... so sweet.
isn't it touching dont'cha think?

I hate to admit it but my heart predictably went all pitter patter blah bla bla.... so i wrote back, and he wrote back. That's pretty much it. He's staying with a girl on the island (a friend I must be clear to mention- he was clear that was all) and I am happy he's having a good time.

And last night he said he’s coming back on Wednesday. Which takes the wind out of my sails a little for dramatic effect..... so sorry to disappoint ya’ll.... So now I have hope that I will see him on valentines day.

I promise to update you on what happens and if it’s romantic..... or not. There is no guarantee he is still coming home to me- as much as my heart says it will be so.... my mind is stuck on the words when he left me and the words were not favorable.

And honestly, my heart beats for the man, but things just can not be the way they were. There are reasons I’m lying in this bed exhausted and in pain, and Marvelous is not here. I am going to have to guard myself and my time and energy this time, and no mistake.

The question for me is always, how do you have an open heart and keep yourself open for the best possibilities... and also keep yourself well and guarded against pain when the people you love let you down. And at heart, I guess you just don’t. You can’t be completely open, and also be closed at the same time. To love, to open your heart is to risk being hurt, to risk being abandoned, to risk the emptiness of loss as much as it is to risk the joy of co creation, the power of passionate coming together, the raw honesty of seeing someone for who they really are- and the bliss of being enfolded in the love of another and cared for.

You can’t have one without the other.

I feel good about myself right now and I don’t want to lose that. So I am going to have to be conscious about what I choose next. As we always shoud be. I happen to be very lucky in that if it doesn’t feel good I literally fall over or get ill almost immediately, so I can’t ignore it anymore.

The rest of the story is: everyone is sending love letters. I was on an internet radio show Saturday and will be doing some interviews online, as well as possibly hosting my own. Stay tuned for more updates as it becomes relevant.

I love not being at the studio right now. i am finally feeling a little better. still can't move much- but drugs are going to eventually kick in, I was actually able to eat a little oatmeal and a coconut (very slowly) today so I'm on the mend.

am writing lots and trying to meditate and center myself. i figure I'll be out of bed in a few days at the most... I hope. I might have to start paint balling from my window if I’m stuck in this room much longer. (Welcome home Marvelous!! lolololololol)

I'm resting lots and feeling happy in a lot of ways to be given a break. Now I just have to refocus. The doc said I can't work until the end of February minimum. Said the work environment wasn't conducive to healing. So I have a lot of free time on my hands. Wow... no man, no studio... no mind.... nothing but me in a big bed and writing and talking to friends and working on things I enjoy doing.......it really is kind of heaven. Hawaii would be better, but this'll do.

I'm going to have to come up with some creative new ways of working in the next while and the time is giving me a chance to look at starting my reiki practice again, which would be a great blessing to me, as i miss having my own practice very much.

So send me letters and love and keep in touch. Comment or throw me some suggestions or dreams. Ask me questions, or send me your struggles. I’m here and listening.

Till Next Time,
I send you a blessing of great light
that shoots down from the sky
hits you in the chest
and makes love to your heart.

Namaste OM
Love always
Summer